To mark 16 Days of Action, we wanted to share the effects digital abuse can have on the victim. Digital abuse is not often spoken about but as our client describes, it can be another way for the perpetrator to gain control. One of our clients has agreed to share her story of digital abuse…..

People often think digital abuse isn’t that bad.

They say, “It’s not like he hit you.”

But digital abuse leaves scars you can’t see — ones that cut deep into your sense of safety, your identity, and your trust in the world.

My ex took intimate pictures of me without my consent.

When I told someone, they said, “Well, you shouldn’t have let yourself get in that situation.”

As if it was my fault for not being stronger, for trusting someone I loved.

 

Then came the threats.

He said he would post the pictures online.

“It’s not like he’s hit you,” they said again, dismissing my fear.

But all I could think was — my friends will see, my family will see, one

 day, even my children might see.

How do you ever come back from that?

 

I tried to explain how terrified I was.

“Once it’s online, it’s there forever,” I said.

But people brushed it off — “Stop being dramatic, nobody will care.”

Yet I cared. Every second. Every minute. Every sleepless night.

 

What Digital Abuse Really Does to a Person

You become frightened every time your phone rings.

A text, a call, a notification — your stomach drops before you even look.

You start to dread the sound of your own phone.

 

You distance yourself from everyone. The world becomes smaller, lonelier.

You begin to hate yourself for letting someone have so much control from so

far away.

Their threats echo in your head long after the messages stop.

You try to read between every line, trying to anticipate their next move, but all

you do is torture yourself.

 

Eighty calls a day. Hundreds of texts telling you what an awful person you are.

They say you ruined their life — and now they want revenge.

You think, “I’ll just turn my phone off.”

But it doesn’t help. The words are still there, burned into your mind.

And that one message “If I can’t have you, no one can.”

You can’t switch that off.

 

Stalking and Surveillance

It didn’t stop with the messages. He wanted to know where I was, who I was

with what I was doing.

He monitored my whereabouts through my phone – every move tracked,

every location known.

He has access to my emails, my social media and my private life.

I changed my number, my email address, deactivated everything that could

trace me. But even cutting him off, I never felt truly free.  

I asked friends and family not to post pictures or updates online, because I

knew he’d be watching.

Even though I was physically out of his reach, he still managed to make his

presence felt in every corner of my life. Even though I was free, I was still

living under his fear and control.

That’s what digital abuse does – it extends the reach of the abuser far beyond

walls, doors and distance.

It makes the world feel small and safety feel like a memory

 

The Public Humiliation

Then the abuse goes public.

The hate posts, the lies, the twisting of the truth – all for everyone to see.

You watch strangers “like” posts about you, share them, comment on them.

You want to scream, “That’s not what happened!”

But no one’s listening.

 

When people you thought were your friend’s side with him, it breaks

something inside you.

And when the attacks turn to your children — that’s when it cuts the deepest.

Family court arguments shared online for all to read.

You’re painted as the wicked mother keeping her children from their father.

The comments say, “What kind of monster would do that?”

And eventually, you start to believe it yourself.

Because when so many people repeat a lie, it begins to sound like the truth.

 

The Reality

Digital abuse is that bad.

It isolates you. It shames you. It steals your sense of safety.

It makes you question your own reality — and your worth.

 

It’s not “just messages.”

It’s control. It’s intimidation. It’s psychological warfare.

And just because the bruises are invisible doesn’t mean they don’t hurt.

For more information about how we support survivors of domestic abuse, email: [email protected]