When Mark first came to Future Living Hertford, he was struggling to understand what he had experienced during his 15-year marriage. Defensive and guarded, he did not want to see himself as a victim and had often felt dismissed or judged when trying to talk about his situation.
Through the Wise Guys programme, he found a safe space where he could speak openly with other men who had experienced domestic abuse. Being heard and understood helped him begin rebuilding his confidence.
Today, Mark is continuing his recovery and wants other men to know that they can seek support without shame and judgement.
This is Mark’s story…
Mark was put in contact with Future Living after going to his GP and receiving a social prescription to see a well-being coach. He had been married for 15 years. He describes the relationship as very difficult from the start. His wife had been diagnosed with a bipolar condition and had taken medication until they tried for children. Her behaviour became increasingly erratic after their two sons were born. “It was very intense and, as I came to realise, abusive, he says.”
Mark separated in March 25 and had gone to see his GP because he was really struggling with the situation. He’d also been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis.
“It’s still a struggle,” he says. “It’s clear now how much I was suffering in that relationship.”
He describes himself as very defensive and guarded and not wanting to be seen as a victim in his first conversations at Future Living. “I was heard. Not treated as a victim and not judged, pretty much for the first time, he says”. He tells one story about speaking to a fellow churchgoer about his situation and his wife’s behaviour and the response being to tell him to “man up”.
“When they offered me a place on the Wise Guys program I cried,” he says. “I hadn’t been dismissed. I had been heard. “
‘The Wise Guys program made me realise that I wasn’t alone. The experiences I had were shared. It was a safe place to talk. It was the first time I hadn’t thought “it’s not me”.
Through the program he found a safe space to talk with other men, facilitated by a member of the Future Living team. “I realised I’ve been in denial for the whole of my 15-year marriage. I learnt to emotionally regulate myself so I could make the right choices. We are still in touch, he says, and check in with each other and support each other. I also know that I can always go to Future Living if I need the support.”
“I’m still in recovery,” Mark says, three years after his separation. “But I’m now able to defuse the shame and denial and identify abusive behaviours and red flags and know how to respond to them.”
“The support of Future Living was significant and instrumental to my starting on my journey to recovery. So much more needs to be done to recognise what’s going on with men. They really need help and education at an early age about what good relationships look like and the work they take.” As a father of two young sons, he feels passionate about this.
“The work Future Living does is hugely important. It allows men to talk, to not feel judged, and to let go of the shame and stigma that goes with being a man who has survived domestic abuse.”
“My focus is now on my recovery and on a day-to-day basis recognising that I can’t be responsible for the behaviour of others only for how I choose to respond to it.”
‘’Men should know that they can go to somewhere like Future Living without being shamed or judged. It’s an invaluable organisation and service.”